#it'll be very shitty and low effort but still

[totheidiot]

all i can think about is that i am going as L for halloween. I AM GOING AS L FOR HALLOWEEN EEE.

[docholligay]

Shamash day points: Misc Nominations

Boy do I always have so much fun reading these! Thanks you to everyone who answered. It was hard picking the winners, as it often is, but here they are!

The question was: Tell me about the worst meal you had this year.

1 point to @beefsaladthethirtythird with that's herring under a fur coat! I love herring under a fur coat WHAT DID YOU DO:

For new years my partner and I made this Russian dish called "selyodka pod shuboy", dressed herring salad. It has salted herring, potatoes, carrots, beets and onions,(but we might have left them off), all held together with layers of mayonnaise. My partner put way too much mayo on the salad, and combined with the fatty herring, it was so greasy as to be borderline inedible. Like, it was give-you-GI-issues bad. My partner loves that salad recipe, but she also could not eat more than a little of it. I tried to get through it but it was making me ill after eating so i trashed the leftovers. we made other Russian New Years dishes, and they were all pretty good, but the dressed herring was a no-go.

2 points-- @seolh with the saddest bachelor meal I have ever heard

It's late. I've been at the office for over fourteen hours, but finally I am home. I am hungry but I am also so, so tired. A basic salad sounds like a nice, low-energy idea for food.

I take a chicken breast out of the freezer and put it directly in the oven. It is not seasoned.

I put some lettuce in a bowl. I decide to I am too tired to chop veggies right that moment. I sit on the couch. I sit. I sit some more. I'm so hungry.

I go get the bowl and start picking at the lettuce with my fingers, shoving it into my mouth. It is bland and almost bitter and not particularly pleasant. I continue eating it. Soon, it is gone. The chicken continues to cook.

I just want to go to bed, but I am not sated, and know I need protein. I wait for the chicken to cook. I let it rest. With no seasoning or oil, the top of the chicken breast looks rubbery and a bit shrivelled.

I slice up the chicken breast. I consider attempting to add some flavour, but that's effort. I stand at the corner eating unseasoned pieces of chicken breast. It is not unpleasant, but it is extremely boring. And finally, time for sleep.

…THE worst meal of the year, by far, and I did it to myself!

3 points, @katrani with how did you manage to fuck this up so badly what a wild ride:

….it was actually just this morning. I had bought some ciabatta rolls last weekend, for a specific thing, then because of Reasons couldn't make the thing on the planned night. We had a get-together yesterday, and someone had to spend the night because they were a little too drunk and tired to get home. Perfect, thinks me, even though it is the time of year for jinxes, I still have that bread and can do breakfast sandwiches! Well. Morning arrived, cheerful and optimistic. Even having our first real chill for the year was fine, cause it meant I had been extra cozy and woke up gradually, I felt so rested! Amazing energy levels for cooking! …..the bread had molded. I took too long, and it had been claimed by that stealthy t-rex of modern biology.

This is still okay, muses me, I can find a workaround. Except my fridge and cupboards are emptier than normal, as I'm trying to keep things low so I can scrub everything during an upcoming long weekend. However!!!!!!!!!!! A light! A shining, glorious utility food- I have instant potato flakes! I can very easily make some bullshit hashbrowns!!!! Who doesn't love even a shitty hashbrown patty! And it'll still work as a sandwich kind of thing!!

So I mix the flakes with the smallest amount of water, just enough to make them pasty/battery. I season them, I mold them together, they're sticking as patties fine enough! I heat up the oil, and… they fall apart. So badly. I forgot that the last time I used them for this I had to make them into the mashed potato format and then fry dollops of that. Doing it straight out of the box does not work. Can I blame the heteros for straight out of the box being a terrible idea? Probably not, but it would make me feel better.

Even thinking that okay, it'll be a skillet now, I'll break apart the patties and fry it as lumps of potato batter does not work. They just WILL NOT fry up, the oil soaked into the solid portion a bit too much and now it's not cooking right. Sure, the bottom is crisping, and I can scrape that up and mix it in, but most of it has become just a sludge. A slurry even. Completely unappetizing. I'll have to throw it all out, and borrow someone's rosary or something so I can make proper apologies to the spirits of my fiance's Midwest Irish family for fucking up perfectly good potato product so horrendously.

So all I have to offer my guest, 45 minutes after we've been awake, is some eggs, and they do not like eggs by themselves. My fiance and I eat what I was able to make, and they're well-seasoned, and the texture is actually the best I've gotten eggs to be in a while… but it is poisoned by the shame of not being able to care for my guest, any enjoyment I might have would be a slap in the face to their hunger, a breach of their trust in me to be a proper hostess.

As they were leaving they told me they don't really have breakfast most of the time anyways.

You definitely would have gotten points if you had elaborated at all, @iscahwynn because a 7-11 challenge sounds TERRIFYING

[damienthepious]

every time i post fanfic now i'm going to fucking bitch about how fucking SHITTY this new editor is, i hate it so fucking much. Anyway.

The Beast In On His Chain (chapter 16)

[ch 1] [ch 2] [ch 3] [ch 4] [ch 5] [ch 6] [ch 7] [ch 8] [ch 9] [ch 10] [ch 11] [ch 12] [ch 13] [ch 14] [ch 15] [ao3] [???]

Fandom: The Penumbra Podcast

Relationship: Lord Arum/Sir Damien, Sir Damien/Rilla, Lord Arum/Sir Damien/Rilla

Characters: Sir Damien, Lord Arum, Rilla, Sir Absolon

Additional Tags: Second Citadel, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, prisoner/guard dynamic, Dehumanization, (which feels like a weird word to use for a nonhuman person bUT. it's what i got.), Despair, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, (EVENTUALLY!!!! it'll take a while), Captivity, Suicidal Thoughts, (that will be a theme throughout. inescapable in this particular fic. alas.), Eventual Romance, (Yes the dynamics in this one are fucked. honestly i'm kinda Stretching my limits these days.), (having fun with it. fucking around. it's fine.), Recovery, (eventually), Self-Reclamation

Chapter Summary: Queen Mira has been made aware of certain worrying circumstances. Damien experiments with treasonous misdirection.

Chapter Notes: chapter specific warnings for references to physical assault, mentions of suicidality. lmk if i missed anything else!

~

The Queen unexpectedly assigns secondary staff to take positions in the Trophy Room, and instead summons all of those positioned in the surrounding section of the inner Citadel to a meeting, before Damien's next shift, and Damien tries very, very hard not to feel as if every organ in his body has turned to either acid or ice.

(Even before he turned his efforts to... well... literal treason, such a summons would be cause for Damien to panic, with the wild and unfounded terror that he could be in trouble for something he did not even know that he did incorrectly, but now-)

His heart pounds behind his ribs, behind his temples, at the hollow of his throat. He can hardly swallow around it.

Saint Damien, he thinks desperately, keep me still, keep me still, keep me still-

He nearly stumbles when he feels-

The old coolness, like he once felt in the grips of the river. Almost like a voice, almost like an echo. Something whispered back, or-

Tranquility. Tranquility...

Damien feels his breathing slow, feels some measure of tension ease from his shoulders, his clenching stomach.

(Saint Damien used to answer him, used to linger as a presence, an aura around Damien's very soul, but slowly- slowly- so slowly that Damien had not been sure until it was too late, his saint had gone silent. Damien thought- he used to worry, perhaps, that his efforts in knighthood were not enough, that he had made it through his training and despite his successes, had come out lacking into knighthood, and even his own saint had been able to see the deficit within him. Else, his saint simply thought that Damien no longer needed him. That was, of course, the kinder idea. He was rarely able to convince himself of it.)

(When did Saint Damien begin to drift away? During his training? In the early days of his knighthood?)

(The last time he heard Saint Damien's voice in his heart, in his mind-)

(It was before his first kill. It was, wasn't it?)

Damien swallows, breathes slow, and joins the dutiful trickle of knights and guards into the wide meeting room that Queen Mira has selected for this day. For whatever, exactly, this is.

Sir Absolon already stands on the far side of the room, bracing his weight on the back of a chair and sneer-grinning at another, younger knight as the queen looks through papers a few feet away, narrowing her eyes towards the table. The group is... fairly small, split near evenly between sworn knights and more simple guards.

After a few minutes, Queen Mira straightens, and the assembled all silence themselves from their low chatter in response, attention given immediately.

"Something rather troubling has been brought to my attention," Mira says, her tone grave, and Damien's stomach gives a very unhelpful lurch. He breathes, and breathes, and keeps his face still. "A monster in the Trophy Room- the Lord of the Swamp." Another lurch. Tranquility, tranquility in stillness. Focus. "I have been given reports indicating that its condition... its condition has recently begun to change."

A ripple of uncomfortable breaths and subtle murmurs permeates the room, and Damien allows himself to shift with his very real discomfort. Before, he is certain that such news would spin him into a panic for quite different reasons than it does currently.

"Its condition has been decidedly static for more than a year, at this point. After its initial diminishing-" (oh, an unexpected spike of indignant fury, at that) "the monster had been stable and under control for quite a long time. It has, however, to appearances, been recently rallying. Growing stronger. With no apparent trigger, or cause. I thought it best," she says calmly over the low smattering of distressed murmurs, "to gather those who have been in proximity to the creature, to note if any of you may be aware of anything that could be responsible."

Damien feels another unexpected pulse of anger at her phrasing. At her avoidance of actually saying, he no longer looks as if he is starving to death, a still-aware desiccated corpse. He feels reasonably certain that any anger that manages to leak through into his expression is likely to be interpreted as aimed towards the monster, and not the queen, so he does his best not to worry too terribly about obscuring the feeling.

"Would anyone like to begin?" Mira asks, sounding very tired, and Damien notices Sir Absolon tipping his face towards him, all furrowed brow and disapproval.

The room is murmuring-quiet for a few beats while Damien purses his lip, ignores Sir Absolon, and pretends to consider, as if wracking his memory for any such trigger that he most certainly is not responsible for.

"Sir Damien," Absolon interrupts, apparently either unconvinced or simply choosing a direction for his own irritation. "You've been maintaining the chamber during the daylight shift, haven't you? Anything you've seen?" He grins, a baring of teeth that Damien might, in the past, have interpreted as the friendly goading of a comrade. Now, it makes him bristle. "Besides that one incident, of course."

Damien shoots the other knight a look, tipping his chin up with as much dignity as he can muster, even as he feels his cheeks heat with some combination of indignation and very specific fear.

But-

The incident. Right. Well.

That could certainly work.

It's almost too easy, in fact.

Damien drops his gaze, furrowing his brow again and putting his hand to his chin, angling his tone towards thoughtful. "Perhaps," he starts, his voice thankfully steady. "Perhaps... when Sir Absolon beat the monster in retaliation after the mentioned incident, it may have triggered some latent regenerative ability," Damien suggests, as smoothly as he is able. To his satisfaction, that makes the Queen blink, and then turn towards Sir Absolon. "It is not unusual for monsters to exhibit certain unnatural capacity for healing," he adds, as if that point is still the focus of the conversation.

"Beat the monster," Mira echoes, her own tone very blank.

Absolon's own face has gone ruddy and dark, at that, a very clear tension in his neck.

"Well-"

"Indeed," Damien continues, and then he blinks. "Were you unaware of what was done to the creature, my queen? Oh. My apologies, then. I would have reported the damage done to your trophy, had I known you did not order it to be beaten."

Referring to Arum explicitly as Mira's trophy, as an it, does make Damien's stomach turn, but- Mira's lip curls in a way that Damien thinks might indicate discomfort at the phrasing for her own part, and that is satisfying enough to warrant the slight.

It is also... he admits, an odd relief to know that Mira did not order Arum to be hurt. At least, not in this one specific way.

"I assumed that Sir Absolon would not perform such aggressive and extreme actions without orders," Damien adds, blinking, remembering the uncomfortably recent time when he would have spoken that sentence with full, naive honesty.

"You injured the monster," Mira says slowly, stern and measured, "that we very specifically have cause to keep safely alive. Without orders."

"No," Absolon says, and then he shakes his head, visibly aware of the attention now aimed his way. "Or- yes, but- it wasn't like that, my queen." He aims an irritable look towards Damien, and through sheer force of will, Damien keeps his own expression puzzled and implacable. "The thing needed to be wrangled, that's all. If it got hurt, that was only incidental in the effort to-"

"That is rather odd," Damien hears himself interrupt, ice in his own tone to overlay his incandescent rage. "Considering that the monster was placid on its stone when I was ordered from the room. There was no one at all within arms reach, last I saw, and no reason I could think of to approach it after the fact, barring an explicit intention to cause damage." He pauses, then adds, "To retaliate."

Absolon's eyes spark with fury, but Damien does not drop his gaze until the queen speaks again.

"That is a highly concerning assertion, Sir Damien."

"It's- it wasn't like that," Absolon lies again, scowling.

"It let me go, when it became clear that it would not be released or killed," Damien explains, knowing that the truth is dangerous but also knowing that there were other witnesses to the event. In fact- "It was, frankly, barely strong enough to stand, after it let me go. It collapsed. Is that not right, Sir Marinell?" he says, turning to one of the other guards who had been present. Marinell, for his part, winces very hard, obvious guilt on his face.

"Ah- er, that is-"

"You don't know what happened after you left the room, Sir Damien," Sir Absolon says darkly, prickling anger in his tone. "You don't-"

"Clearly," Queen Mira says, "none of us do, save those of you who were there. So, perhaps you should explain."

Absolon half-cringes, but he manages to pull himself together with annoying swiftness. Not swift enough, however, because Marinell breaks before he can weave together his own explanation.

"Sir Absolon was in charge," Sir Marinell says breathlessly, still wincing. "We were just doing as told. We were careful! Absolon had us leave our weapons out of range, we knew the thing isn't supposed to die. But Absolon said-"

"Marinell," Absolon warns.

"That he promised that the thing would wish it was dead, and-"

"Oh," Damien says, something cold curling against his heart. "Oh, yes. I remember, now. You promised that while the beast still held me, I believe." He locks eyes with Absolon, matching the fury there with his own. "I suppose you made good on your promise, then. Though- I think we rather have proof, do we not, that the creature already wishes that he were dead."

"Oh, you smug little s-"

"Sir Absolon," Queen Mira says, sharp, and the room goes breathless-silent again. "I am unspeakably disappointed by your conduct in this matter. There is still so much that we do not know about this creature and its capabilities, and if a single moment of impulsive, unnecessary violence by your own unilateral decision has caused this monster to begin to grow stronger again, that could have consequences that effect our entire kingdom."

Sir Absolon opens his mouth, possibly to argue, lie, plead his case, but something on the queen's face must be enough to quail him because he snaps his jaw back shut and cringes with his entire face, his fists balled tightly at his sides.

"I will speak with you privately, now," she says, tone utterly cool. "I apologize, for removing the rest of you from your duties for such a- needless cause. Your relief from your positions is intended to last the entire day; so you may be dismissed, now. Sir Damien," she adds, as the majority of the room immediately takes their cue to retreat from this now deeply uncomfortable space.

Damien lifts his chin towards Queen Mira, face as still as he can force it, a chant of tranquility taking up the majority of the space in the back of his mind. "Yes, my queen?"

She inhales, then exhales a sigh. "I thank you, for your candor. You are dismissed for the day as well."

Relief like a flood, rinsing through him from the base of his skull to the bottoms of his heels.

"Thank you, my queen," he says, tipping his head into a bow, and then he takes his turn to retreat as well.

[makeitblue]

Here to bug you again, but I'm giving you liberty of who you want to add to this one because I think it'll be fun no matter who is in it. Crowley is making the students put on a play/musical with reader being the lead now the boys are low-key fighting to be the love interest. This is 100% a reference to KnA. You totally can ignore this, but if you do it I hope you have fun writing it. Than you much 💙

Originally, I was going to write with a classic Romeo and Juliet type play in mind, but while I was at work it popped into my head, and I couldn't resist writing the boys putting on a shitty solar system musical. I'm writing this with the assumption their solar system is similar to ours since in their bios they use the same zodiac as we do. I'll only be doing the inner ring of planets for this ask, but if y’all want a part two for some ungodly reason, just hit up my inbox with that request.

Edit: Part 2 is right here! --> (x)

Crowley had somehow gotten the idea of having the students perform a solar system play, and was being unreasonably stubborn about it. Of course, you, as the lovely prefect of the Ramshackle Dorm, was chosen to be one of the two leads in this play looking to make a home on a planet with your significant other. Obviously most students weren’t too pleased or excited about creating a production with a permise that usually wasn’t seen outside elementary schools, but most of them perked up at the prospect of possibly starring alongside you.

Kalim

He got cast as the sun. Honestly, are we even surprised? While he would have liked the second lead role, he’s still super excited to be cast in the play, and eagerly attends rehearsals.

Originally, he wanted to float down onto the stage dramatically on his magic carpet, but Jamil managed to talk him out of it after telling him how dangerous it would be to be flying around in a giant, spherical sun costume. He was a big disappointed his suggestion was shot down, but he bounces back pretty quickly.

He’s one of the few people at NRC that don’t think even for a second that this idea is ridiculous, and because of that, he’s also one of the few people that completely throw themselves into the role. He doesn’t really need to put much effort in, considering his personality is already very sunny, but the extra vigor really helps sell it to the audience. 

The sun actually wasn’t originally part of the script, but thanks to a donation that his family made towards the production of the entire play, Crowley graciously wrote him in.

Riddle

He practiced meticulously for the audition. He needed to set a good example for his dormmates, after all. It definitely wasn’t because he was hoping to star alongside you in the second lead role. Alas, despite all his efforts, he was given the role of Mercury.

You can practically hear Floyd’s cackling from across the campus when he found out that Riddle was playing Mercury. Of course Kingyo-chan would be assigned the small, bright red star that zoomed across the night sky.

Floyd’s teasing aside, although he’s a bit disappointed, he allots the necessary time to practicing his lines with you and the other cast members. He’s never late for, never skips, and never leaves early from rehearsal sessions.

Although at first he’s always quick to stop point out when another member has flubbed their lines, he quickly learns its better to just let them continue their line with the small alteration rather than to completely stop the scene.

He’s surprisingly eager, but it makes sense considering he was home schooled as a child. He never got a chance to participate in school productions like this with classmates, so its a new experience for him. A part of him feels a bit childish for being so excited over a silly solar system play, but he convinces himself to push down the feelings of shame and allow himself to enjoy the whole thing.

Vil

He was pretty much expecting that he would be given the second lead. He’s a famous actor, after all. He’s been acting since he was a child, so he’s probably been cast in at least one or two professional productions with a similar premise. All in all, though, he’s still satisfied with being given the role of Venus.

It’s the brightest star in the sky, so obviously, he doesn’t have much to complain about upon receiving his copy of the script.

As expected he takes his casting very seriously. Even if it’s a silly solar system musical, you’re not going to catch him slipping in his performance.

He’s still mildly upset that he didn’t get a lead role, but just as it is in the industry, actors often don’t get to choose the role they play. This does not stop him from voicing his displeasure during rehearsals, but he keeps it to a minimum for the most part, preferring to focus on assisting the other actors so that the production goes smoothly.

Trey

Again, none of us are surprised that one of the most homely boy at NRC ended up being given the role of, Earth (or the Twisted Wonderland equivalent of Earth), the home planet.

The dad/big brother mindset will never turn off for him, so he’s take care of a lot of the other actors between his scene rehearsals. He’s making sure the actors have snacks occasionally and that everyone stays hydrated.

While he’s disappointed he didn’t get to star beside you the entire production, he still puts in a genuine effort for his role. He doesn’t want to let down anyone else after they’ve all worked so hard to practice.

The fact that this is a musical is something that he was a bit nervous about. While he’s a bit stiff, and he’s definitely not the best singer, Vil manages to help him get his performance to at least a presentable level. 

Ruggie

He’s honestly a bit surprised he even got a role. Sure its not the lead like he was hoping, but he’s not gonna pass up the chance to screw around a bit and have fun. While he was also hoping to get a lead role, he’s fine with being assigned Mars.

Unlike everyone else on the list, he actually doesn’t put as much effort in as a lot of the other actors would like at first. He has to be reminded that while this is a solar system play, they’re still performing it as representatives of a prestigious school, so there will probably be at least a few important people in the crowd. They can’t afford to have him be so lax in his rehearsals.

Ruggie can’t help laughing when things go wrong during practice, though. He doesn’t really do anything to make it worse, but he’s definitely not doing anything to help either. Can you really blame him, though? Watching Kalim and Riddle chase after Ortho, who somehow lost footing and was now rolling down one of the theater’s ramps is pretty hilarious.

In the end though, when everything comes together, he puts on an adequate performance. It’s not stellar, but he’s at least pleased he managed to get the audience laughing with his scene.